Psalm 139:23 God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. (TPT)
Last week I listened to a lady who had gone through a long season of tremendous loss. In sharing her story she highlighted how in hindsight she realized that sometimes her prayers were not thought through. While she was going through loss of one family member after another, she remembered that for a long period of time prior to this season of loss she had spent time asking God to use her life to reveal His glory. What she did not know was that God was going to allow the season of loss in her life and use it to reveal His glory, as He sustained her to stand and declare the goodness of God in every circumstance.
What she knew without the shadow of doubt was that she had no ability to stand on her own. She knew that in His faithfulness God had supernaturally sustained her and His power and glory was seen by all around her in how she navigated the season. She continued, “Had I known that God would use adversity to reveal His glory through my life I would not have prayed that prayer.”
I remembered this testimony as I was reading this portion of scripture this morning. I attempted to pray this portion of scripture as my own but had to pause a bit. I believe that in that moment God revealed to me that prayer that is in spirit and in truth requires love and complete trust. Love because, scripture says: “Love will cast out all fear”. True prayer requires me to let go of control. Let Him decide, what, when and how He answers. He whispered, prayer is surrender.
While on that thought my heart pondered: I know that the heart is deceitful above all things. Inviting Him to search my heart may reveal some ugliness I am not ready to face. Asking Him to examine my heart through and through is like asking Him to leave no stones un-turned. I am basically saying don’t stop until you are done. Not until I have had enough, but until You are done. Do I really understand what it means to give Him all the control on what and how? This process will bring into light things I am not comfortable knowing. Will and not might, it’s guaranteed to. I realize that there are flaws about me that are not only hidden to the public but also hidden to me. Am I ready to know about them? I realize now that I might be comfortable with having these things hidden cause revelation might be painful. I know for sure that these anxious cares have become a crutch will I even know what to do with my thoughts without them?
But then I remembered He said He will grant us our hearts desires. What if this desire of having my heart searched, examined and tested is given to me by Him? Why am I afraid to receive it because He said I never walk alone. He also said when I am weak His strength will be made perfect.
So I continue and pray knowing very well that I do not have the ability in me to go through this journey. But I trust that His mercy and grace is sufficient for me. I am aware it might take a couple of tests to pass. I am aware that the exam and test might come in a format I am not comfortable with. Father all I am asking today is that when it does come You open my eyes to see it for what it is. You give me courage, hope and an inner knowing that I am more than a conqueror through Christ. Make me a prisoner of hope through the transformation process.
Father, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.
Wells of Wonder 